#A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. -- Carl Sandburg
#A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other.
#A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. -- Mark Twain
#A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
#A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
#A cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. -- Mark Twain
#A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5. -- Groucho Marx
#A committee is an animal with at least six legs, and no brain. -- Heinlein
#A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library.
#A crisis is when you can't say, "Let's just forget the whole thing." -- Ferguson
#A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. -- H. L. Mencken
#A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
#A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. -- Ogden Nash
#A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. -- Winston Churchill
#A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. -- G. B. Shaw
#A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
#A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding ducks.
#A homeowner's reach should exceed her grasp, or what's a weekend for?
#A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. -- Wilcox
#A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
#A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.
#A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and the real reason.
#A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
#A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard -- Prof. Steiner
#A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
#A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
#A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
#A successful American spends more supporting the government than a family.
#A theorist right once in ten is a hero; an observer wrong that often is a bum.
#A university without students is like an ointment without a fly. -- Ed Nather
#A verbal contract isn't worth the paper its printed on. -- Samuel Goldwyn
#A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
#About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. -- Herbert Hoover
#About when we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. -- Hoover
#Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) -- Stafford Beer
#Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low. -- Wallace Sayre
#Accident: When presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.
#According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
#According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies.
#According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
#Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
#Adult: A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the middle.
#Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
#After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. -- Olmstead
#After painting the town red, take a rest before applying a second coat.
#Afterism: A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. - Thom
#Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
#Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero.
#Air travel: Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
#All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy. -- Lauris
#All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power -- Ashleigh Brilliant
#All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
#All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific. -- Jane Wagner
#All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats. -- Groucho Marx
#All probabilities are really 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
#All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands. -- Saint Patrick
#All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
#All trails have more uphill sections than they have downhill sections.
#Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
#Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
#Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. -- McCarthy
#America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. -- John O'Hara
#Amoebit: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.
#Among economists, the real world is often a special case. -- Horngren
#Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all.
#Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it.
#Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a "rigged" demo.
#Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
#Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
#Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. -- Holmes
#Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
#Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is probably parked.
#Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.
#Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with none.
#Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with none.
#Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. -- Goldwyn
#Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. -- Samuel Goldwyn
#Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby. -- Robin Hood
#Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby.
#Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. -- Pardo
#Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. -- Mickey Mouse
#As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. -- Oscar Wilde
#Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if one went to Harvard). -- Edgar R. Fiedler
#Ask not for whom the bell tolls, and pay only station-to-station rates.
#Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
#At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
#At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume. -- Peter Alaquon
#Auditors always reject expense accounts with a bottom line divisible by five.
#Authority: A person who can tell you more than you really care to know.
#Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
#Babies can't walk because their legs aren't long enough to reach the ground.
#Bachelor: A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. -- Quinn
#Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark.
#Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes. -- Will Rogers
#Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.
#Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.
#Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain
#Be careful of reading health books; you might die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain
#Behold the warranty: The bold print giveth, and the fine print taketh away.
#Being a good communicator means people find out what's really wrong with you.
#Being a woman is quite difficult since it consists mainly of dealing with men.
#Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -- Mae West
#Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division.
#Bore: He who talks so much about himself that you can't talk about yourself.
#Bore: Wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. -- Winchell
#Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. -- James Thurber
#Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. -- Kin Hubbard
#Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think. -- Ambrose Bierce
#Budget: A method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
#But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast to the nearest gas station.
#By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
#By the time you have the right answers, no one is asking you questions.
#By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I mean. -- Mark Twain
#Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
#Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and trousers that don't match.
#Charm: A way of getting a "yes" -- without having asked any clear question.
#Cheap: Much less expensive than ones selling for up to twice as much.
#Children act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
#Children aren't happy without something to ignore, and that's what parents were created for. -- Ogden Nash
#Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
#Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between.
#Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. -- Phyllis Diller
#Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. -- Mark Twain
#Committee: A group of men who keep minutes and waste hours. -- Milton Berle
#Committee: The unwilling, selected from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
#Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work.
#Common sense: The collection of prejudices acquired by age 18. -- Einstein
#Concept: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant bills more than $25,000.
#Confidence: The feeling you have before you understand the situation.
#Confound those who have said our remarks before us. -- Aelius Donatus
#Congress is not the sole suppository of wisdom. -- Rep. Bill Schuette (R-MI)
#Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. -- H. L. Mencken
#Conscience: The inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. -- Mencken
#Conscious is being aware of something; conscience is wishing you weren't.
#Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you wish you weren't.
#Conservative: A person who believes nothing should be done for the first time.
#Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.
#Consultant: Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
#Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them.
#Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. -- Bierce
#Creative minds always have been known to survive any kind of bad training. -- Anna Freud
#Cynic: A person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. -- Shoaff
#Cynic: A person who tells you the truth about your own motives. -- Russel Green
#Dark dirt is attracted to light objects, and dark dirt to light objects.
#Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every year.
#Deliberation: Examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
#Dentists are incapable of asking questions that need a simple yes or no answer.
#Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines on them and makes them perspire.
#Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.
#Don't be fooled by his twinkling eyes; it's the sun shining between his ears.
#Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer. -- Burke
#Don't ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up. -- G.K. Chesterton
#Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
#Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. -- Scottish Proverb
#Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive. -- Hubbard
#Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree. -- Russell Long
#Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to get more wax!!
#Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
#Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
#Drug: A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.
#Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
#Easiest way to figure the cost of living: Take your income and add ten percent.
#Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you that day.
#Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. -- Fred Allen
#Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. -- Ronald Reagan
#Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
#Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. -- last words of Groucho Marx
#Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
#Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. -- Woody Allen
#Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to? -- Clarence Darrow
#Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are.
#Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.
#Every cloud has a silver lining; you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
#Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
#Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
#Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. -- Lieberman
#Everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise. -- Atwood
#Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to realize it.
#Everyone is a genius. It is just that some people are too stupid to realize it.
#Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
#Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work. -- John G. Pollard
#Executive ability: Deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.
#Exercise extends your life ten years, but you spend 15 of them doing it.
#Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined. -- Horner
#Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. -- Olivier
#Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
#Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
#Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
#Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail the same way.
#Expert: Avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
#Fanatic: Someone who, having lost sight of his goal, redoubles his efforts.
#Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels. -- Goya
#Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. -- Oscar Wilde
#Fashion: A form of ugliness so intolerable that it changes every six months.
#Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.
#Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North Carolina.
#Fill what's empty; empty what's full; scratch where it itches. -- Longworth
#Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. -- Robert Firth
#Football, like religion, brings out the best in people. -- Larry Chapman
#For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.
#For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction. -- Anthony Battista
#For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. -- Harrison
#For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. -- Main
#For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. -- H. L. Mencken
#For some reason, this statement reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
#For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
#Four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy...
#Free at last, free at last, Great God Almighty, I am free at last. -- Martin Luther King
#Furbling: Walking a maze of ropes even when you are the only person in line.
#Generally you don't see that kind of behavior in a major appliance. -- Murray
#Genetics: Why you look like your father, or if you don't, why you should.
#Genius: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright".
#Give me a lever long enough, and a place to stand, and I'll break my lever.
#Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy.
#God is not dead. He is alive and working on a much less ambitious project.
#God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
#Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
#Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. -- last words of George Saunders
#Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some. -- Wiker
#Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. -- Albert Einstein
#Group IQ: Lowest IQ of any member divided by the number of people in the group.
#Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.
#Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
#Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
#He is considered a most graceful speaker who can say nothing in the most words.
#He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
#He who invents adages to peruse takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
#He who is still laughing hasn't yet heard the bad news. -- Bertolt Brecht
#He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks. -- Chinese proverb
#He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
#Heating with wood, you get warm twice: Once chopping it, and once stacking it.
#Heineken Uncertainty Principle: Never sure how many beers you had last night.
#History chronicles the small portion of the past that was suitable for print.
#Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. -- Ray Bandy
#Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. -- W. C. Fields
#Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were.
#How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese? -- Charles de Gaulle
#How do they get all those little metal bits on a zipper to line up so well?
#How do you make an elephant float? Two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer...
#How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
#How long is a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
#How long should a man's legs be? Long enough to reach the ground. -- Lincoln
#How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? All you can afford.
#I am a Hollywood writer, so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.
#I am a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from humans.
#I am a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
#I am dying beyond my means. -- last words of Oscar Wilde, sipping champagne
#I am prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
#I am really enjoying not talking to you, so let's not talk again real soon, OK?
#I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
#I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. -- Fred Allen
#I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home. -- Groucho Marx
#I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead. -- Mark Twain
#I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem. -- Brilliant
#I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it any time!
#I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx
#I have heard about people like me, but I never made the connection. -- McLean
#I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. -- Albran
#I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. -- Wilde
#I have ways of making money that you know nothing of. -- John D. Rockefeller
#I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it. -- George Bernard Shaw
#I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. -- Brilliant
#I must follow the people. Am I not their leader? -- Benjamin Disraeli
#I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini. -- Woolcott
#I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. -- Marx
#I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
#I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. -- G. B. Shaw
#I shot an arrow into the air and it stuck. -- graffiti in Los Angeles
#I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. -- Shirley Temple
#I think there's a world market for about 5 computers. -- Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM (around 1948)
#I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
#I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. -- Groucho Marx
#I would never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member. -- Marx
#I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
#I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
#Idiot box: Part of an envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp.
#If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
#If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
#If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all his windows. - Yiddish proverb
#If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive. -- Samuel Goldwyn
#If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell. -- Sheridan
#If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
#If a machine can be made so that an idiot can use it, then only an idiot will use it. -- Tadao Ichikawa
#If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly. -- G. K. Chesterton
#If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion. -- George Benard Shaw
#If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. -- Paul Beatty
#If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
#If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95. -- McGowan
#If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.
#If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average. -- Leonard Levinson
#If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
#If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
#If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods.
#If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
#If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.
#If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job. -- Woody Allen
#If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
#If parents would only realize how they bore their children. -- G. B. Shaw
#If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
#If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero. -- Ellis
#If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
#If we all work together we can totally disrupt the system. -- Brilliant
#If we cannot learn from our mistakes, we just rename them; "Success". -- Jon Loux
#If we knew what the hell we were doing, then it wouldn't be research.
#If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants. -- Zisla
#If you are horny, it's lust, but if your partner's horny, it's affection.
#If you are not very clever you should be conciliatory. -- Benjamin Disraeli
#If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. -- J. Paul Getty
#If you can't find your glasses, it's probably because you don't have them on.
#If you can't say anything nice, you probably don't have many friends.
#If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos. -- Stoppard
#If you do not change direction you are likely to end up where you are headed.
#If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. -- Clarence Day
#If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it. -- Coolidge
#If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to either of you for the rest of the day.
#If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
#If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it.
#If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it.
#If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? -- Hempstone
#If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. -- Graham Summer
#If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. -- Maslow
#If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. -- Kasspe
#In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
#In America, it is not how much an item costs, it is how much you save.
#In a ham and egg breakfast, the chicken was involved, but the pig was committed.
#In a modern household, the only things we have to wash by hand are children.
#In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
#In process: So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
#In the first half of our life we learn habits that shorten the second half.
#Ingrate: Bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.
#Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?
#It is better to be on the ground wishing you were flying, than vice versa.
#It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all.
#It is better to light one candle than to torch a wax museum with a flamethrower.
#It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan. -- Tom Weller
#It is dangerous to name your children before you know how many you will have.
#It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
#It is easier to take it apart than to put it back together. -- Washlesky
#It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
#It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. -- Woody Allen
#It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
#It is not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either. -- Boston mayor Kevin White
#It is not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools.
#It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for. -- epitaph
#It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
#It takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. -- Mark Twain
#It was such a beautiful day I decided to stay in bed. -- W. Somerset Maugham
#It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.
#It's easier to get forgiveness than permission. --Grace Murray Hopper.
#It's hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you are why he's nervous!
#It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
#Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you are at it.
#Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.
#Just because you are not paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get you.
#Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality with a large needle.
#Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a faster rat!
#Keep a very firm grasp on reality, so you can strangle it at any time.
#Liberal: Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
#Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.
#Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward. -- Miss November, 1966
#Life is like a sewer... What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
#Life might have no meaning, or worse, it might have a meaning you don't like.
#Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
#Living your life is so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
#Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. -- Kettering
#Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. -- H. L. Mencken
#Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose thy neighborhood. -- Louise Beal
#Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
#Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine. -- Andy Warhol
#Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes.
#Man who arrives at party two hours late finds he has been beaten to the punch.
#Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
#Mankind... infests the whole habitable Earth and Canada. -- Ambrose Bierce
#Math is like love; a simple idea, but it can get complicated. -- R. Drabek
#Mathematicians are willing to assume anything -- except responsibility.
#Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt.
#Matter cannot be created or destroyed; nor can it be returned without a receipt.
#Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.
#Meeting: A gathering where the minutes are kept and the hours lost. -- Gourd
#Middle age is youth without it's levity. And old age without decay. -- Daniel Defoe
#Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. -- Groucho Marx
#Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. -- Oscar Wilde
#Money can't buy happiness, but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
#Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. -- Abe Lincoln
#Most general statements are false, including this one. -- Alexander Dumas
#Most people get lost in thought because it is unfamiliar territory. -- Paul Fixx
#Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. -- Bennett
#Mountain climbers rope together to prevent the sensible ones from going home.
#My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you. -- Iphicrates
#My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
#My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. -- Wilde
#My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. - Morley
#Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting. -- Billy Rose
#Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run away. Death really hates that.
#Never offend with style when you can offend with substance. -- Sam Brown
#Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time.
#Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
#Nine out of ten people think they are above average. The rest are in therapy.
#No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next. -- Howe
#No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to fake it.
#No prizes for predicting rain. Prizes only awarded for building arks.
#Nobody wants constructive criticism. We can barely handle constructive praise.
#Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none. -- Shakespeare
#Not all men who drink are poets. Some of us drink because we are not poets.
#Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.
#Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. -- Tussman
#Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee. -- Kim Hubbard
#Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to conceive. -- Herold
#On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. -- W. C. Fields's epitaph
#Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. -- W. C. Fields
#Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
#One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
#One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
#One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
#One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a new model.
#Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
#Our Constitution ... gives to bigotry no sanction. -- George Washington
#Our problems are mostly behind us. Now we have to fight the solutions.
#Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it. -- Alex Schure
#Oversteer is when the passenger is scared; understeer when the driver is scared.
#Packrat's credo: I have no use for it, but I hate to see it go to waste.
#Paradise is exactly like where you are, only MUCH, MUCH better. -- Anderson
#People accept an idea more readily if you say Benjamin Franklin said it first.
#People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
#People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
#People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
#Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
#Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
#Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. -- Nikita Khrushchev
#Politics is for the moment. An equation is for eternity. -- Albert Einstein
#Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage. -- Ryan
#Progress means replacing a theory that is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
#Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long. -- Nash
#Puritan: Someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having fun.
#Quantity is no substitute for quality, but it is the only one we have.
#Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. (Anything in Latin sounds profound.)
#Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. -- Dick
#Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not sing.
#Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. -- von Braun
#Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant. -- Swayze
#Satisfaction guaranteed, or twice your load back. -- sign on septic tank truck
#Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.
#Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. -- Fletcher Knebel
#Snow and adolescence are problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
#So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever remember his Bible?
#Some make things happen; some watch what happens; some wonder what happened.
#Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
#Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
#Someday you will look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
#Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
#Strategy is when you keep firing so the enemy doesn't know you're out of ammo.
#Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
#Success: The ability to go from failure to failure without being discouraged.
#Talent does what it can; genius does what it must; I do what I am paid to do.
#Taxes are going up so fast, the government might price itself out of the market.
#Taxes: The one of life's two certainties for which you can get an extension.
#Telepathy: Knowing what people think when really they don't think at all.
#The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
#The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech. -- Clifton Fadiman
#The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal. -- Blair
#The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
#The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and for deeds left undone. --Harriet Beecher Stowe
#The bureaucracy expands to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
#The camel has a single hump; The dromedary two; Or else the other way around. I'm never sure. Are you? -- Ogden Nash
#The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
#The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. -- Mark Twain
#The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
#The cow is a machine that makes grass fit for us people to eat. -- John McNulty
#The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other, milk. -- Ogden Nash
#The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and add ten percent.
#The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
#The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.
#The first piece of luggage out of the chute does not belong to anyone, ever.
#The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. -- Ehrlich
#The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
#The future is a myth created by insurance salesmen and high school counselors.
#The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. -- Einstein
#The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
#The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.
#The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
#The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
#The number watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
#The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please multiply by i and dial again.
#The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
#The only tools some people are competent to use are a pen and a checkbook.
#The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. -- Oscar Wilde
#The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.
#The race is not always to the swift... but that's the way to bet. -- Runyon
#The right to search for the truth implies also a duty; one must not conceal any part of what one has recognized to be the truth. -- Albert Einstein
#The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with sloppy analysis!
#The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have it made.
#The shortest distance between two points is through hell. -- Brian Clark
#The shortest distance between two points is under construction. -- Altito
#The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. -- Ogden
#The stapler runs out of staples only while you are trying to staple something.
#The supernova makes Mt. St. Helens and Krakatoa look puny. -- Time Magazine
#The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made men think.
#The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
#The total intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
#The trouble with a kitten is that, when it grows up, it is always a cat. -- Nash
#The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
#The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
#The universe is surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
#The world isn't any worse. It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
#The world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. -- Sean O'Casey
#Theft from a single author is plagiarism. Theft from three or more is research.
#There are many excuses for being late, but there are none for being early.
#There are more things in heaven and Earth than anyplace else. -- Tom Weller
#There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them. -- Heisenberg
#There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
#There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. -- Kissinger
#There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
#There is a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not a fence.
#There is an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
#There is an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
#There is no force so powerful as an idea whose time has come. -- Everett Dirkson
#There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
#There is nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate.
#There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad. -- Dali
#There must be more to life than sitting wondering if there is more to life.
#They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist... -- last words of General Sedgwick
#Things are more like they are today then they ever were before. -- Eisenhower
#Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them. -- Will Rogers
#This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. -- Winston Churchill
#This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. -- Wolfgang Pauli, on physics paper
#This may not be the best of all worlds, but it is certainly the most expensive.
#Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well. -- Aristotle
#Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address. -- Olinghouse
#Those who like sausages and the law had better not watch either one being made.
#Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
#Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
#To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
#To err is human. To blame someone else for your errors is even more human.
#To get it done: Do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
#To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of them absent.
#To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. -- Thomas Edison
#To make a small fortune in the commodities market, start with a large fortune.
#To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
#Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark. -- Rilla May
#Tragedy: A busload of lawyers driving off a cliff with three empty seats.
#Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. -- Twain
#Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it is just the opposite.
#We are all politicians. Some of us are just honest enough to admit it.
#We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. -- Dwight D Eisenhower
#We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one. -- John Fisher
#We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same. -- Swift
#We can loan you enough money to get you completely out of debt. -- sign in bank
#We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure. -- Richard Nixon
#We don't have to protect the environment; the Second Coming is at hand. -- Watt
#We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
#We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
#What can't be said, can't be said. And it can't be whistled, either. -- Tirtha
#What is inconceivable about the universe is that it is at all conceivable. -- Albert Einstein
#What is the difference between a duck? One of its legs is both the same.
#What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? -- Ursula LeGuin
#What this country needs is more leaders who know what this country needs.
#What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean. -- Fry
#When I look at my children, I often wish I had remained a virgin. -- L. Carter
#When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad, I'm better. -- Mae West
#When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
#When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. -- Dylan Thomas
#When someone says, "It ain't the money, but the principle," it's the money.
#When told he was making more per year than the President, Babe Ruth replied, "Well, I had a better year than he did."
#When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
#When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. -- LBJ
#Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. -- A. Lincoln
